Monday, February 18, 2013

Taylor Allis Rocks!

This is +Taylor Allis  she is one of the bravest people I have ever met.  Please read her new blog and give her positive comments.  Taylor is in Haiti helping to start an English Immersion school with Preventive Health Strategies and Meaningful Missions.

Adventure to Haiti: Why Haiti?: Hello all.  Thanks for taking the time to check out my blog.  I've never published anything online before, so bear with me in my first blogg...

Friday, February 15, 2013

Post Traumatic Growth

Systems need to be stressed in order to grow.

The problem with "The Golden Rule" is that it doesn't allow the necessary down time to refresh.

The "Golden Rule" is the "Chinese Water Torture" of attacks just like the water torture it is just one little harmless drop at a time until you have nothing left.

I still don't understand why every record about my wife ( +Annette Bosworth ) is now open to the public except for the e-mails between her dead lawyer and Bill Golden.  What is in those e-mails that Bill Golden has been able to keep them from the eyes of the public?

Current Challenges to Haitian Project

Preventive Health Strategies Unlike many other nonprofit organizations, Preventive Health Strategies does not rely on any funding from government grants. Our support comes entirely from private individuals, associations, foundations, and businesses who entrust us with resources so that we can fulfill our humanitarian mission.

All funds we have received for specific tragedies have been devoted entirely to those events.

By clarifying that we may use your contribution wherever most needed, you allow long-term health systems that are vital to vulnerable people around the world and respond to emergencies that do not receive widespread attention. We commit to spend your money in the most productive, efficient way possible.

If you wish to restrict the use of your donation only for a specific purpose or area, we will honor that wish or inform you that we cannot and offer to return your contribution. We have not and will not collect money for what may appear to be a specific incident or purpose with the intention of using it for other purposes.

Haiti is currently out of fashion.

The benefit of the Work in Haiti both on the missionaries and the Haitian people creates a mandate that we continue.

How? Honestly this is a very difficult story problem. I was not good at story problems as a sixth grader.

The great thing about being married to +Annette Bosworth is that I am continually reminded that the truly great things in life don't require money.

People generally do better with scarcity than abundance.

Living with +Annette Bosworth I see her sacrifice and the sacrifice others do for her on a daily basis.

Before I left this week I over heard a conversation with another doctor and Annette Bosworth

The doctor says to Annette "You couldn't pay me a million dollars to take care of that patient!"

Annette Bosworth said "you couldn't pay me a million dollars to take care if that patient either."

Taking the life with Annette and applying those lessons to Haiti.
The first issue is safe, comfortable long term housing and food.
The second issue will be cheap transportation.

The difficulty currently is that it does not cost much more to do these things for twenty people than it does for our current group size of 5.

Random thoughts

Post traumatic growth

Post traumatic growth is what drives innovation.  

              "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"
              "Let's turn Chicken Shit into Chicken Salad"
              "It builds Character"
              "Let's turn lemons into Lemonade"

+Annette Bosworth, MD  is amazing the more Bill Golden attacks the more people are attracted to her.

The "Golden Rule" appears to be having the same effect as "ban this book" has on book sales.

The increasing number of people asking why are they continuing to attack Annette Bosworth and those that work with her?

Why does Bill Golden care if she is providing good cost effective health care to "malnourished homeless Native American" girls.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013


When I started working with the non-profit world the first thing that jumped out at me was how many of the problems could be traced to unemployment.  Addiction, Haitians, returning troops from Afghanistan, abused women and children, Native American homeless kids the underlying issue would keep returning to unemployment.  

Housing and Employment Key to Beating Addiction for Blacks and Hispanics RWJF 1/10/2013

+Annette Bosworth and I ( Chad Haber ) tried many things to create jobs for Haitians, returning military personnel, Native Americans this had the desired effect.  The job helped erase lots of the back ground noise or static as I  will refer to it from now on.  Once the static was removed the next common problem that was revealed was a below average reading level.

Incarcerated juvenile defenders eighty percent read two reading grades below grade level or a functionally iliterate.
California and Arizona are two of the several states that use early literacy test scores to predict required prison growth.

The data on reading and how to fix it is readily available.  The fMRI made it so that if you treat reading as any other medical condition the problem can be diagnosed and with aide of a doctor working with the team of education specialist a plan can be put in place to treat the underlying disease state.  The fMRI made it so the brain could be watched as the patient read a simple paragraph.  The fMRI results were matched with reading problems.  The good thing was that once a certain reading problem was identified the fMRI didn't have to be given to the next patient that presented with the same symptoms, we just simply didn't have the resources to pay for fMRI for every patient.  The lack of resources in this case was a benefit we had to look for cheap ways to get the results we wanted.

The goal was to get reading scores to grade level as quickly and as cheaply as possible.  

Preventive Health Strategies used a simple six question reading test developed by SAMPSA to flag individuals that had issues with reading.  The next step was to have a specialist do a screening with them to see if they fell into the broad diagnosis of dyslexia.  The Dyslexia diagnosis is enough to trigger most insurance companies to pay for medical treatment.  To date we have had no insurance companies actually pay for any test, diagnosis or treatment of reading disabilities.  

Preventive Health Strategies has to date screened over 1750 South Dakotans for reading deficiencies.  Preventive Health Strategies  found that a large percentage of females could be brought to grade level in reading with simple treatments for malnourishment.  The malnourished female population is well studied nationally no new research was required.  The treatment was cheap and easy to give under the supervision of a doctor.  The treatment had an immediate effect on all cognitive functions including reading, math and improved self self-worth (diagnosis of depression).   

Preventive Health Strategies at the same time took patients that did not have malnourishment issues and using the current research applied what fMRI has have taught PHS about reading disabilities.  The Primary care doctor would develop a plan with a reading specialist and the patient to address the plan.  Preventive Health Strategies found that the for under $10000 and six months total per patient they could be brought up to grade level provided they had an IQ in the normal range.

The results were amazing!  Real household income improved immediately (get and maintain jobs), compliance with other prescribed medications improved (resulting in fewer ER visits) in almost every area the individual reported a better life immediately not in five or ten years.  

 Pulitzer prize winning author Jared Diamond  states that a productive member of society will contribute five million dollars to the economy in their life time while a non-productive institutionalized member will cost the same society around seven million dollars resulting in a twelve-million dollar difference per individual.

Preventive Health Strategies did not understand the risk we put our primary care providers in when we asked them to start screening for literacy.  The power of the bureaucrats was underestimated.  The bureaucrats have the power and ability to gain the system with no real accountability or downside while the citizens of South Dakota pay the price.  

The complex systems (school, prison, health care, legal, mental health, insurance company) are full of interdependencies (hard to detect) in South Dakota.  This interdependence makes it hard to detect the underlying problem, simple problems are misplaced resulting in runaway chain reaction of events.

Preventive Health Strategies has naively acted with the assumption that organizations with mission statement of saving the state money and protect the lives of South Dakotans actually had these goals.  This naivety has resulted in more than one of Preventive Health Strategies primary care providers being investigated by the State of South Dakota.   The State of South Dakota has been ranked as the second most corrupt place in America by Fox News.

Doug Haber

Doug Haber thank you for everything!

Alan Vogel

Alan Vogel,

Thank You!

Al thank you for honoring my dad and contributing to "Preventive Health Strategies" The School for Kids That Don't Read Good.

The attempt at humor with the bad grammar in the name of the school was not received well.  This really made me laugh out loud literally.  My favorite comment "The name of the school even has bad grammar in it, why do they think they can run a school?"

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Things I said in Eulogy that are not in my Notes

Things I said at the funeral that I did not have in my notes.

Dale Sundermann
Hey buddy, I want to share an impression that your dad had left on me as a young man. In 93 I had been doing my student teaching at OGorman and paid rent by working as a server at Minervas 26th street market. Your family came in often. Now 1? time your dad was giving me a hard time about a problem with his meal, I believe to the slight embarrassment of your mom and sister . He turned to them and said, "I understand it is not his fault, but he can still make it right". I may have had that lesson before but at that moment it stuck. I took to heart that it does not matter who or how things got to a bad place, dont take it personally, just take the necessary action to make it as right as possible. The variation youll hear in my house with my teenage boys, ."Its not your fault? its your responsibility to make it right.. what are you going to do?" since your dad's not around, I guess I'll send that thank you to you for sharing your dad and making me and my boys better men. ... btw the whole family is in my prayers. I hope they are all doing well.

Picture of Chancellor about the time the following lunch conversation happened.

Funny Lunch With My Dad

Chancellor is having lunch with my Dad and myself.

Dad "Do you remember when you wanted to name your son Chance?"

Me "Chance... llor!  laughing I say, we both got what we wanted Dad."

Dad "Huh, I never made the connection."

Denton Haber the Best Santa Clause

Denton Haber the Best Santa Clause Ever!

A very hard day was the day we had to get rid of our Great Dane "Moby" because we were moving into an RV.  The reason is obvious two adults and three kids living in an RV left no room for a Great Dane.

Fast forward 60 days.

The boys are out of school for Christmas break.  The four of us ( Walker, Chancellor, Prescott and myself) had this great conversation going about Christmas gifts.  I called my dad (Denton Haber) and asked if he could join us.

Chancellor and Denton Haber eating breakfast at Bob's Carry Out and Delivery in Sioux Falls, SD

The conversation once my Dad joined us went something like this.

Dad ( Denton Haber) "What did you ask Santa Clause for Christmas?"

Chancellor (age 6) "A grappling Hook!"

Dad "What is that?"

Chancellor "You shoot it like a gun then it pulls you to the top of a building, then you want to get down you can slide down it like a zip-line!"

Walker (age 9) "I want an Ipod 64gb red in color!"

Prescott (age 12) "I don't need anything, we don't really have room in the RV for any more stuff."

Chancellor "Dad says the problem with what we are asking for is that Santa Clause will want to treat us fair and when you average what we are asking for you will get CRAP."

Dad "Why would Santa Clause give you Crap for Christmas?"

Walker "Grandpa Dad says Crap is when you can't remember what you got on New Year's Eve."

Chancellor "I still want a grappling hook."

Walker  "What Dad's trying to say is you will get one but it will be like a McDonald's toy.  When you fire it the hook will go about five inches."

Chancellor  "That's what CRAP is?  I don't want a McDonald's toy for Christmas!"

Prescott  "So then we need to be asking for one thing, that's what dad is trying to tell us."

By now my dad is laughing and giggling.

Dad "What would you want if you could have anything, Prescott?"

Walker  "Jumps in I want to go to Egypt!  They are having a war again so it's really cheap."

Prescott  "I want to go to Egypt too."

Me "No we are not going to Egypt!"

Chancellor  "Then I want a puppy and a grappling hook!"

Walker  "No, only one thing I would like to have a puppy too."  Everybody agrees.

Shit this is not the way I wanted this conversation to go

Dad  "You know boys if you had puppies it could help you pay for college?"

Lots of discussion follows about how much money they could make by selling puppies.  I'm enjoying the conversation but I'm thinking there is no way in Hell we are having puppies.  What a bad business model Prescott starts talking about how many dogs you would have to have enough puppies to pay for college.  Walker says "I'll bet you could put Yokie babies in an Elephant just like they are doing to bring the Wooly Mammoth.  Then you would have to have only one Elephant.

The Three Rules

1)  We all have to be asking for a Yorkie Puppy an nothing else.
2)  The Name will be Boz
3)  We can't tell Mom

As soon as the boys are out of ear shoot I call Annette and tell her the story.

Everybody wants to give us a puppy!

The boys (including Grandpa) did a very good job of staying on message.  We want a Yorkie puppy for Christmas. But, my dad has one in hand before supper the same day.  Thank God we were able to stop more puppies from coming.  I'm very thankful that people called instead of just showing up with puppies.

Denton dressed up as Santa Clause delivering the Yorkie puppy named Boz.

Annette's Rules For Grandpa

1) You will dress up like Santa Clause and personally deliver it to them

2)  No extra attention outside!  No Camera, no people, no whatever

3)  You get to ring the doorbell say "Merry Christmas hand them the Puppy see the amazed look in their eyes and leave!"

It was a truly magical moment for both my Dad and my boys.  None of them knew who it was in the costume.  The Saturday 8 days ago the boys had realized that the laugh was Grandpa's laugh.  Grandpa got busted laughing at something they said while eating lunch with us.

Chancellor  "Asks Grandpa are you Santa Clause?  Did you give me Boz?"

Dad  Looks at me I nod he starts to cry and nods his head in the affirmative.  Chancellor gives him a great big hug and says "I always knew you were Santa Clause!"

I'm still not sure if this means he no longer believes in Santa Clause or if he has always thought: "My Dad is Santa Clause!"

My dad died on Monday I found out on Tuesday and we buried him on Saturday.  I found out yesterday the reason he was late for lunch with us was because he was at my eight year old nieces Volleyball Game.

My Dad was the "Best Dad Ever"

Yesterday in the car on way to the cemetery, between the church and the cemetery,  and just after they told me I could have done a better job.  The boys started talking about how they could just get a Great Dane instead of an Elephant.  

How many Yorkie puppies do you think a Great Dane could have Dad?  

Denton Haber Eulogoy

After my Eulogy of my father( Denton Haber) Prescott Haber said, "Dad- you could have done better." A long pause ... then Walker Haber said "But because you were prepared ... you did good enough ." I laughed.


Thank you – for coming. 

I am scheduled to go first. Today in attendance is my high school debate coach and my high school debate partner. They know there is a reason on the program I am scheduled first, then my sister, then my brother, and then the preacher . . . that is called CLEAN-UP.

I asked my favorite first cousin Dustin, “What is the first thing that comes to your mind when I say Denton Haber. “ His instant response was, “SHARP DRESSED MAN.” 
Dustin, my dad always dressed the same: Black Sweater with a collared shirt. Over a lunch conversation with my dad he taught me “Sometimes I’m over dressed and sometimes underdressed, Chad- but in this attire I am always acceptable.” Today I am a little under dressed, but I am wearing what my dad would wear.

WHO’S MY FAVORITE?: My kids’ response: “I am” 

MY dad took a personality test when he went to work as a salesman for Wendell Holcomb. DENTON was FIRST BORN whose personality was ENTJ - 
What is important to an ENTJ? 
1) See the problem, 
2) Make a plan 
3) Get others involved and act.

He had an amazing skill of taking complex issues and finding the silver bullet. “Here is what is really wrong. Here is the simple way to fix it. . . now go DO that with the help of others.” RESULTS matter to an ENTJ first-born. You do not get to make excuses as the son of an ENTJ first-born. He was known for very stimulating conversation. 
Others would see him as 
1) Intimidating 
2) Overly Assertive
3) No patience for people who make mistakes. 
Depending on your personality, you will see his behavior as self-sacrificing or COLD AND HEARTLESS for the exact same action. 

I am also first-born –and not an ENTJ. This week I have done my best to slow down and LOVE my dad. Love is a verb - How did I show my love? I walked through his steps and talked to his friends the people he loved.

I could hear those words over and over this week
-“He slowed down and learned my story.” 
– He gave me a job when nobody else would. 
-He was like a second father, 
-He was like a coach, brother, guide, mentor – all-time-favorite-person. 

A SECRET my dad taught me in my teenage years was the answer to “Do you know who my favorite person is?” He learned the answer through his first sales boss: Wendell Holcomb – “Don’t be worried about the next sale, or the next big deal, stay focused on the deal right in front of you.” “A bird in the hand is better than 2 in the bush.” 
DENTON’S TRANSLATION – The Favorite person is the one that is right in front of you. 

LUNCH CONVERSATION – in my TEENS- My friend Jason ( who spent this week with me) recalls a conversation between my dad and I when we were teenagers. 
I asked my dad, “Why is your car always on empty? Why don’t you fill the tank all the way up? It costs just as much to keep your car on FULL as it does to keep your car on EMPTY.” 
“Chad – You must be able to fill the car to full for the FIRST TIME. “ This statement did not make sense to me or my friend, Jason. My dad slowed down and un –pack this messy parable for me. “I don’t have enough cash-flow to buy eggs, bread and a full tank of gas. A full tank of gas KILLS the cash flow. A little bit of gas + eggs + milk + bread means we get to try again tomorrow.” 

That conversation happened with Jason as our witness 25 years ago. Jason (and many others that watched these conversations, would point out the intensity in the conversation. Jason’s viewpoint painting me as defiant and antagonistic RINGS in his recounting of that conversation. NEITHER my dad nor I felt that defiance. We both felt the drive to understand one another. It was just a FIRST BORN TALKING TO A FIRST BORN . . . STEEL SHARPENING STEEL. 

LUNCH CONVERSATIONS IN MY TEENS: THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION OF YOUR LIFE IS WHO YOU CHOOSE TO MARRY. Make sure it is somebody you want to be more like. As the years pass, you will gravitate to being more like her and she will gravitate toward being more like you. College is the best selection you will ever have. Stay in college until you find the one you want. Once you find her…. STOP looking. 

LUNCH CONVERSATION in my 20S: Lesson on being a FIRST BORN. The parent and the child can learn lessons out of order. Sometimes the CHILD learns the lesson before the parent. 

One of my dad’s gifts to me was during these conversations – Dad would say, “I was wrong. You were right. Let’s do it your way.” I wish I had a dollar for every time someone has told me since that conversation, “I have never had anyone else admit to being wrong. Tell me I was right, and then start doing it my way.” Thanks for teaching me that lesson, Dad. 

SECRET about what HAPPENED AT LUNCHES: To outside observers, if we had a LIFE-PROBLEM and met for lunch, the game would change dramatically from before the lunch to after the lunch. Any of the other players would say, “What happened at lunch? That was not our plan when you left for lunch.” We took a problem that we disagreed upon to lunch. During that lunch the conversation would be very heated and very intense. ‘WHAT ARE YOU THINKING” - The other man was expected to break it down. We would get out a napkin. We would draw out an action plan. The plan would be set . . . .

The next day’s lunch might be the same problem because ‘THAT PLAN DIDN’T WORK.” 
Sometimes the child learns the lesson before the dad. 
Sometimes the dad and the child learned the lesson at the same time, sometimes the Dad taught the child. 

One lunch in my 20s, my dad gets out his napkin and draws a pyramid. He says something about Maslows’ Hiarchy of Needs . “You see this pyramid is wider at the bottom. You see that it is narrow at the top. Do you want to know how I got enough cash flow to fill up the tank of gas all the way? When you are fighting for food, clothing and shelter you have great competition. Everyone is fighting for that . The competition is fierce. I just advertised for a $10/hour position and we had 50 people apply. I just advertised for a position that will pay $100K . . . and NO ONE applied” There is less competition at the top of the pyramid – focus there.

My dad was pushing me with this question, “Why do you feel the need to employ the whole world?” My answer, “People will work much harder for a boss than they would ever work for themselves. If they do their jobs, and do what they say they can do, they will pay for themselves. “ Fifteen years later, these words had become a mission for him. He did want to give everyone a job. He had seen that people would work much harder for HIM than they would for themselves. As long as he had reasonable expectations, it did not cost him anything. They would pay for themselves. 

LUNCH ON MISTAKES – Don’t ever make the same mistake twice. You don’t have to make the same mistakes I made . . . we are the same . . . it is like making the same mistake twice. STEEL SHARPENING STEEL. FIRST BORN TO FIRST BORN. 

LUNCH IN MY 20S You don’t have 20 years experience. During one of our lunches he was pounding home the “don’t make the same mistakes twice” story. He recounted the issues with a co-worker that was making repeat stupid mistakes – over and over and over. When he confronted the co-worker “This is the way it has been done for 20 years. I have worked here for 20 years.” He replied, “You do not have the experience of 20 years - - - you simply have the experience of the first day on the job. It is same day over and over again for 20 years.”
Don’t make the same mistakes twice, Chad. 

LUNCH IN MY 20S- Your Friends: You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. 

How this applies to me living in an RV, I am not sure. All of my friends make way more than nothing. 

It took me into my 30s to figure this one out. I thought he was just talking about money. 
You are the average of how your friends treat their wives. 
You are the average of how your friends treat their kids. 
You are the average of how your friends spend their time. 
You are the average of how much beer they drink. 


My church was running a series on the movie ‘The Bucket List’ a couple of years after it was in theaters. I stayed up all night writing my bucket list. I walked over to Dad’s house and shared my bucket list with the whole family. I offered to pay for anyone willing to do something on my list with me.
No one wanted to do my Bucket List with me. Not one single item on my Bucket List with me. - - EVEN WHEN I offered to pay – NO ONE. 


The next day at lunch
He told me “your mom and I went to that movie in the theater a couple of years ago.” After that movie, we both sat down and EACH wrote out our bucket list. My mother had just hit a big milestone in her recovery from cancer. He was really looking at his future and could see his life was finite – not the immortal self-image of the FIRST BORN ENTJ. My mom read her list first. 

He said, “I looked at my list and not ONE THING did we overlap on. “ He tore up his list and said . . . LET’S DO YOURS. 
This was a PIVITAL LUNCH CONVERSATION in my life. - If you were present before that lunch and then after that lunch –my life turned on a dime. If you missed the lunch, you were jarred by how much my behavior changed from that point forward. It did not make sense if you missed that conversation. 


I asked my Dad - what was on your bucket list: His answer I WANT TO HAVE A BUSINESS WITH MY SONS

I painted a house with my father-in-law and asked what is on your bucket list: I want to do for my kids what my Dad did for me. 

I asked my mother-in – law what is on your bucket list: I want to go on a hot air balloon ride? 

I asked my wife what is on your bucket list: I learned that we didn’t overlap on one single item. 

I started with people I cared about and worked down their bucket lists. While doing their bucket lists, I have gotten to do all of my bucket list and have a much fuller life. I have done everything on my bucket list. 

Until they know you care – they will question your motivations. 
Until YOU know you care, they won’t tell you their TRUE story. If you do not know their story, you do not care. 


DENTON’S TRANSLATION – the most important person is the one that is right in front of you. 

CHAD’S TRANSLATION: Learn how they want to be loved. 
John - Dad learned that you want to be loved by sharing the burden of responsibilities. He did this by helping you take the dock in and out, doing the work together. He knew that if he told you he was going to be somewhere, he NEEDED to be there. A broken commitment was a sin to you. 
Heidi - Dad learned that you felt loved when he spent time with your kids. He knew when he gave your children undivided attention –free from distractions, you felt loved. 
Mom, yours was the most complicated of all. When there was something that he knew you wanted – no matter what- Dad knew that the more he personally had to sacrifice to attain that for you – the more out-of-reach it was – by attaining that prize, you felt loved. When he gave you that gift, he showed you that you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to give you that gift. 
ME – he showed me he loved me by going to lunch with me. 

TOO STRONG AT LUNCH – When neither side would give, we would bring someone else to lunch to act as the judge. The witness. Third party. This poor person . . . “Join us for lunch.” When they accepted the invitation, they often did not know how much was about to be revealed about FIRST BORN TO FIRST BORN conversations. 

The typical response after the lunch: “I am exhausted” “Do you guys hate each other? That was so intense You do that on PURPOSE.”

We would booth look at each other with a refreshed, revived and renewed feeling – we were back to being on the same page - . . . and CLUELESS to the exhaustion of the witness. STEEL SHARPENING STEEL. FIRST BORN TO FIRST BORN. 
There were no sides – How could anyone ever see that we weren’t on the same side?

LAPSES IN JUDGEMENT: THIS WEEK I was able to observe that he did get better as he grew older. He didn’t make the same mistakes twice. The words people used to describe him as a young man: SO intimidating, fierce, controlling, confrontational, brusque, critical
As he softened with age, the different version of him surfaced: He was refreshingly honest. He was straightforward with our relationship. When he and I would talk, it felt as if no one else existed in the world. Many comments like this were said. 
The obvious lapses in judgments from people that only knew him as a younger man, the man that I had lunch with on Monday would not be capable of contemplating, let alone carrying out. 
Lapses in judgment as a younger man: Filling a purse full of manure. 
Getting a pick up high centered on a pile of manure. Buying a farm without telling his wife. 
The story of the man in his 20s taking his young wife (also in her 20s) picking a card off the shelf, “Honey this is the card I would have bought you.” She read it, and he had her put it back on the shelf. I know he did this because he did not have enough money for lunch and the card. The man I had lunch with on Monday would have skipped lunch so that he would have had enough money to buy the card. I know he was looking at the cash –flow equation trying to get to a FULL THE TANK OF GAS. 
He got much better at slowing down – and really focusing on the person in front of him. 

For our lunch on Monday – he asked for the lunch. He named the place. He named the time. . . . . and he was 45 minute late. By now, he knows that I will wait for him. He knew I would wait all day to have lunch with him and that I would not keep score. The only reason I know he was 45 minutes late is because he pointed it out. He was not disrespecting me, or did not forget, . . he was just focused on the one in front of him – I knew that and waited. 

When you have lunch as many times as we have had lunch - - the topics get repeated. 

From the beginning of this lunch IT WAS COMPLETELY different. It was new ground. For the last120 days, he had fixated on the fact that I was living in an RV with my 3 sons and wife. 

At the hearing on November 28th – where they focused on my wife’s personality type, he started read everything he could get his hands on about her case. He had obviously slowed down and looked at the things Annette was doing. In addition, he also slowed down and looked at the things I was doing with Preventive Health Strategies

This pushed him to look at his own personality test from when he worked for Wendell Holcomb– “She has the same personality traits as me. – They are attacking her for being like ME. This could have happened to me.”

Since that revelation in November, he has been my voice. 

He got it . . . but I was failing him. Since his revelation, we would have lunch and he would give me the rundown on what he had done since our last lunch, and who he has called. 

I would tell him, “I love you, Dad. Thank you Dad.” Not expecting his voice to do anything. He would get SO ANGRY at me. 

He saw me as FATALISTIC by living in the RV. Living in the RV was the ultimate symbol to him that I had given up. He saw me wilting. 

He told me – “Chad you need to SHUT UP – you can’t be her voice. Let me be her voice.” He was caring about what I cared about. In my whole life, he had never told me to shut up. 

On Monday – from the start- OUR FINAL LUNCH was completely different. 

This lunch was completely 

OUT OF BOOK – in Chess Tournaments, players record their moves. If you are studying chess, you study the moves. The log of these moves is called the BOOK. If you play chess on line, the computer will tell you how many billions of people have made this move. As your moves become more advanced, the number of people who have played that move drops. When you have mastered the game, you might be lucky enough to be the VERY FIRST PERSON to make a move. This move is called OUT OF BOOK. 

From the very first words out of his mouth, this lunch was OUT OF BOOK. 
“The things the 2 of you are doing ARE AMAZING – I finally get why you are willing to live in an RV. The lesson that I taught you about HOLDING NOTHING BACK – you did not make the same mistake I did. “

“What has happened to you is UNFAIR – UNJUST – I don’t know how to counsel you. So can you please sit here until we come up with a plan that you and I can agree might work?”
I was hopeless. I was wilted. I told him I was out of ideas. He cried. I cried. 
He said, “It needs to be YOUR PLAN – not your wife’s plan. “
ME: “Why dad? – We are ONE.” 
DAD: “I know that Chad – but to the rest of the world, it does not make sense.”

I told him my idea and he built upon it until it became our dream

HE SAID – “Go – Don’t get a return ticket. Stay there until you have enough momentum and your absence won’t be missed. I wish I had more to give. This is all I have today. I VERY MUCH WANT IT TO BE KNOWN THAT I WAS A PART OF THIS. IN 20 year, I want to look back and know that I got to be a part of what you are doing and I believed in you. It was our dream I will visit you this time in HAITI. I very much want to be a part of this. “ 

So for the very first time in MY life – he wrote a check TO SOMETHING I CARED ABOUT and said, “See you in HAITI.” 

When I told my uncle Doug what my dad had done, he got a notecard and said something to the effect of:


We both laughed and I taped it on one of my Grandma’s (their mom) water pitchers. He then took 5 one hundred dollar bills out of his pocket and put it into that pitcher. The last time I saw the jar, another twenty dollar bill had joined the pitcher. If you find that water pitcher, please put it on the counter on BOB’s CARRY OUT AND DELIVERY. 

I had the best dad ever. 

He was MY favorite.

Bob's Carry Out and Delivery 

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Dealing With the Death of My Father

Feb 5, 2012

Today I woke to the news that my Dad ( Denton Haber ) died last night.

I am fortunate enough to share my father's faith. This means that the fear "where is he now?" is not something I have to journey through. I am secure in the fact that he is in Heaven.

I decided to spend the day doing the things I think he would want me to do. 

1) I took my Family to "Bob's" for breakfast. My dad ate at Bob's five days a week with the same guys for as long as I can remember.

This was amazing!
Some of the comments;
Denton Haber "always said put me in a bag and dig a hole."

He wanted Bagpipes at his funeral... Long conversation about who we can get to play the bagpipes.

"I'll bet there will be more homeless people at the funeral than people in suits." I replied I hope so I'm homeless (I don't want to feel out of place)

"He was like a second father to me!" I asked how old are you? The reply 57.... My dad was 64! Lol

This comment was really good to hear:

"He seemed to have a mission to provide work for people nobody wanted." At which point a different man says "I will always be thankful to your dad for providing me work when nobody wanted me."

"Your dad was willing to be taken advantage of, and didn't let that sour him from giving the next person an opportunity."

2) I spent the rest of the day with his mom and his brothers.

His brothers telling different versions of "He would always ask will that work? Then we always had to deal with: Oh Shit! It worked!"

My grandma tells the story of his birth. I didn't know my dad was born at McKennan Hospital until that moment.

Then my grandma tells me that my grandpa was late getting to the hospital because the "Circus Train!" was blocking traffic. Talk about an Omen!

My uncle Doug had the best comment. I asked him for a high moment of his and my dad's relationship. Doug: "today is a high point. I get to have the last word!"

3) Airport Jason W Byrne arrived at six.

4) Funeral Home: was "Odd!"

5) McNally's pub where my dad ended 9 out of 10 days. I asked, "What would he order?" That's what I had.

Thank You McNally's

I loved you dad!

Post Traumatic Growth